But am I ready? Am I ready to take the leap, poetically and in reality, and commit to a year-long Poetry Collective program? I did show up at the informational meeting two weekends ago, but I still have questions... Have I taken enough classes to - not exactly qualify me for the program - but ready me for the work involved? Is my body of completed or nearly finished work substantial enough to build a manuscript? Or am I just like all the other writers who think a book is the final goal of writing, and this is a means to that proverbial end?
Commitment: I am commitment phobic. I won't sign a lease for more than six months. I am divorced and don't even care to date. In fact I bristle when a guy friend of mine asks me personal questions about my doings or whereabouts. I don't like being accountable to anyone but me. Not that I cannot make and keep plans. This is more about my mindset. And this program is about accountability. A contract (indeed, money passes hands solidifying a real deal) to show up and keep my momentum of manuscript completion in a forward motion. Can I keep an important promise to myself, my mentor and my cohort to show-up and finish-up? I don't know.
Education: I am not formally educated in poetry or even English. My lack of education has never stopped me from achieving. But this is different. I sometimes forget the difference between a verb and an adjective. I have difficulty diagramming sentences. I consider myself an intuitive poet. Often I feel a poem rumble through me, like channeling. It is only in recent years that I have considered working on the craft of writing, not just the lightening bolt moment of inspiration. In my own defense, I did take a real college level poetry class two years ago, I am a member of the Poetry Society of Colorado which presents a monthly craft workshop and I have finally joined Lighthouse Writers and intend to seek more learning. But am I ready for the big commitment? I don't know.
The Complete Works: Ha-ha. I have many notebooks and napkins with scribbles and bones of poems. I endeavor to type them into this newfangled computer, but don't always complete the task. (commitment, anybody?) Every day I promise I will look at the pieces that I think are print worthy, and in all fairness to myself, I have pretty much done that. I sport a pocket folder with cohesive poems on a specific theme. But I think I need more. 40 to 60 pages constitute a manuscript. If I have twenty or so poems on my theme, does that mean I should write, write, write more? Perhaps I pull poems from other subject matter, but is that expansive or diluting? I don't know.
Book 'em Jano: Finally, is a book my end goal to writing? Sure... it would be nice to say I am published. Or close to published. Or thinking about being published. In fact, I've had three or four poems published in small local publications over the last few years. Nothing earth shattering, just a bit of ego-stoking confirmation that others can and do enjoy my poetry. But is a book my goal? I think I know this answer!
Yes - I believe my subject matter is timely and important. I feel it in my inner self that a collection of poems about being the mother of an addict and the mother of daughter's who suffer with brain disease* is relevant in today's world. Am I articulate enough, committed enough and good enough to affect some relief and perhaps even change in these arenas? Maybe. I'll never know if I do not try.
Today I will formulate a plan to move a wee bit forward in the direction of this undertaking. I'll ask the questions to which I need answers for a decision. I'll reach out to another poet or two and bounce some ideas around. The good, the bad, the ugly. The more awareness I have, the better informed I am, the more conscious choice I can make. Am I good enough? Can I commit? Am I ready? Do I need a year to hone my craft first? I'll let you know.
This program requires an application, submitting poems for consideration, a deadline! So maybe the decision will be made for me, by professionals. I could be rejected for the program. Decision made. I could be accepted in the Collective. Decision made. I also know that not making a decision is making a decision. So if I neglect to apply, that is a decision as well.
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