No Need to Decide Today

My three week mark in Santa Fe is this week, on hump day.  About 14 more nights and I'm homeward bound.  Back to beautiful, friendly Colorado.  I've been thinking about my mission for coming to New Mexico, and if I am accomplishing what I set out to do.  I optimistically thought I would come down here, put my nose to the grindstone, my digits on my keyboard and finish my poetry collection on addiction.

Expectation and reality diverge.  I have written a few good poems, edited some that were previously written, transcribed many illegible scribbles into typed drafts.  But I've also learned that distraction is internal, not outward.  I love to dance, swim and practice yoga.  Except for a few times here and there I've done one of these healthy activities most days since I landed in New Mexico.  I've also visited a few museums and attended two stage performances.  Santa Fe offers a plentitude of affordable cultural experiences, as well as the pricey ones!

A great way to slide right into a community is searching MeetUp groups.  I found a wonderful Thursday afternoon writers group that works from prompts, no critiquing.  If one feels like sharing, great.  If not that is OK too.  This group is led by Gaia and meets in a yoga studio/boutique/juice bar/café...  It is a bit confusing as to what the focus is for this business, but the space is lovely and for a couple of bucks and a cup of tea, I can write for 1.5 hours and keep the creativity coming.  This is not a poets group, and I enjoy writing prose.  I take a memoir class in Denver and breaking out of my genre shell has shown me that I can put words together that don't rhyme.  Or aren't scathing.  I like the way this group hums along so much that I am considering emulating the format when I return to Colorado.  Beautiful, friendly Colorado.

I also checked out a Vegan MeetUp group.  I RSVP'd and attended dinner at Sweetwater Harvest Kitchen.  The restaurant had a special menu of animal free cuisine for the group to choose from.  The ambience was mellow and comfortable.  I chose the Chile Relleno - overstuffed with quinoa, mushrooms and zucchini and topped with a cashew 'cream' sauce.  Over the years I have been an intermittent vegetarian but I am not vegan.  I find myself eating less and less dairy as time goes on.  Even my standby breakfast food for eons - eggs - have taken a backseat to quinoa or millet breakfast porridge.

My dinner companions seem nice enough until the conversation turns to politics and lifestyle choices. One thing I am figuring out about myself is that I am more of a live and let live kind of person.  I don't lack passion for my personally important issues, but I don't publicly rage about my beliefs either.  One lady asked the group how should she tell her kids not to give her granddaughter bottles, and milk and cheese.  The rhetoric about the evils of eating animal products was bordering on vicious.  I lean back and chuckle about the irony of preaching to the choir.  Of course everyone here is in agreement; this is a VEGAN dinner.  But this lady asked how she should tell someone else how to raise their kid, so I directly addressed her and gave her my best advice.  "Keep you mouth shut if you want to see your grandkid!"  

The feminist on my left tells me how many businesses she does not frequent anymore because of someone pissing her off.  Again I am a bit amused because these are places I do support and love.  She also has a stage worthy rant on the real purpose for women's breasts replete with hand gestures, cursing and man bashing all rolled into one helluva energetic diatribe.  She complains about the weather, her neighbors and just about any other subject matter that is polite dinner conversation.  I jokingly ask her if she likes holding grudges and she says YES!  So as much as I enjoyed my meal, I am not going back to this MeetUp.  Completely without remorse, I enjoy my leftover Relleno the following morning with a forbidden gooey egg on top.  Gasp!

Since I am just four blocks from The Plaza, the terminus of the Santa Fe Women's March, I decide to mosey on over to check out the scene.  This is another value exploring expedition for me.  I know I don't want to march the 15 minutes or so from the Roundhouse to the Plaza.  It's cold, and I have RA, so exposing my body to bone-chilling temps for a long period of time is not in my best interest.   There are pink hats and women everywhere.  I enjoy reading the signs, probably from more of a literary, creative point of view than the political inclination.  I  mostly agree with what the core message is:  equal rights, equal pay, stop the abuse, protect our health and reproductive rights, et. al.  But I am not an angry vocalist.

All of the verbosity has me evaluating my convictions of life.  So to speak.  What am I passionate about?  My writing of course.  My kids and grandbaby.  But what about social issues?  Does anything rile me up enough to wear a sandwich board, carry a sign, chant?  Did my years in a marriage where it was easier to swallow my words than argue train me to be quiet?  Or have my years in Al-Anon simply taught me to keep the focus on myself?  Sweep my own side of the street?  The wisdom I glean from working my program instills an inner serenity that I am unwilling to sacrifice.  For anything.  Or anyone.  But it doesn't mean that outside of the rooms, I am disallowed from having opinions on outside issues.  Al-Anon has not quieted my voice or my ethics.

Am I just taking the easy way out by not being political?  Ignoring the nightly news.  Scrolling past as many negative FB posts as I can, before I give in and espouse, then regret... Is it OK for this beautiful song by Morrissey to be mantra du month?  Spent the Day in Bed really speaks to me.

Today I know it is OK to not know all of the answers.  I can meditate.  I can journal.  Write, talk to a friend.  Allow a boundary to be fluid.  Nothing is permanent.  The only constant is change.

Time to Write,

Jane