Facebook and Boundaries

Recently I commented on a friend of a friends post  On Facebook.  Though I didn't know the original

poster, he tagged our mutual friend and the story appeared in my feed.  

It was a three-word post and it was misinterpreted.  My Facebook friend accused me of being sarcastic (me?) and hateful (ouch!).  There was a hefty amount of vitriol aimed squarely in my direction.  Followed by a request to please unfriend him if I couldn't support him as HUNDREDS of other people have.  Now I am not a person who gets easily worked up over words, but these hurtful remarks had me in the spin cycle.

While I will wholeheartedly admit to being sarcastic, I am not a hateful person.  Like so many of us, I spew my opinions on this public yet oddly quasi-incognito forum named Facebook.  How easy it is for me, and perhaps for you, to hide in front of our screen and behind our keyboard.  That self satisfied, slightly smug feeling of leaning back in our office chair and pressing send.

We're clever.  Witty.  Profound and humorous.  Esoteric even.  We search for memes that say what we can't and re-post them.  We add smiley faces and colorful backgrounds in an effort to be noticed, liked, thought about and commented upon.  But we are not really anonymous.  Our public profiles, family members, group photos, vacation snapshots and selfies are up for communal perusal.  I can know not only where you are at any given point of the day, but when you awoke by the time stamp of your inaugural post du-jour.

No matter what this forum is, was or will become, we are human beings who crave connections.  We invented over 6900 languages to facilitate communication.  We hug each other upon greeting and figured out a symbolic facsimile for our on line transmissions.  

Without Facebook I never would have known what was going on with this person.  Would not have been privy to the previous clues of this unfolding drama, thanks to his prior Facebook posts.  Radio and newspapers are involved!  This is an unfolding story.  I stand with this man, like so many others do.  I respect the choices he made to bring him to this newfound notoriety.  Yet it's quite likely I will not know what happens next.  My three-word comment led to a "please unfriend me" request.  I honor that appeal.

Mostly I am a reasonable person.  I'd like to believe that I think before I respond.  Bypassing reacting. I take my time.  I take a breath.  Or two.  Or ten. 

Even though I am thinking WTF!, I breathe.  And I breathe again.  I took a short walk.  I thought it through. What is my part?  What hurt or harm have I caused.  Why do I let Facebook interactions affect me?  Do I want to be Facebook or real life friends with someone, anyone, who would publicly (sort of...  it is FB) call me sarcastic and hateful?  Why didn't this man just just quickly and quietly unfriend me as you and I have no doubt done many times to Facebook friends?  One press and poof! Gone.  Is asking me to unfriend him through Facebook a modern, technological version of passive-aggressive behavior?  Public shaming in the digital world?

Did other people on Facebook, in person or another way criticize this mans actions, but I became the easy target for his wrath?  More importantly how much of this truly matters?  It matters to me if it drains my energy.  It matters to me if it spins me up.  It matters to me if I spend too much time thinking about this virtual interaction.

Through messenger (read: privately) I sent my now former Facebook friend a note.  Like he said to me in his posted rant, I wished him well in his work and life.  Always room for niceties.  I also profusely apologized for my part.  For my misunderstood three-word post.  I told him I do not intentionally hurt people, especially publicly.  I told him I thought his diatribe was misplaced and perhaps even inappropriate.  Then I deleted the thread of the source of my angst.  And finally I unfriended him.

Not so much because he asked me to, because I wanted to.  Even though I admire this man, his work, community building and entrepreneurship, I choose who I have in my life.  People who rock my serenity or upset my sanity do not have a place in my hula-hoop.  Facebook is not real friendship.  I can live without knowing the ending. Peace is not needing to know what happens next.

I've set my boundary and I feel great!

Postscript:

A few months back a different Facebook friend posted a blanket plea to his Facebook friends to not comment on posts in his feed if you didn't know the person commenting.  Confusing, I know, but also quite simple.  Good advice that I didn't heed at the time, but will forevermore.  Or until Facebook implodes.  Whichever comes first.